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Reviewer: Danger Kid

Category: Movie

Subject: Superman Returns

Superman returns from a holiday in space to find no one really missed him, even his ex-girlfriend Lois Lane is married off to Cyclops out of the X-Men. She obviously has quite bad taste in men - they are two of the dullest super-heroes ever. Superman was always boring because he was invincible, which made sorting out any world-threatening problems pretty simple. Someone had to invent kryptonite to make things more interesting. But that is still rubbish as there is still only on thing that can hurt him and it is a very rare mineral only found in outer-space. Also we learn later on that apparently all Superman has to do to cure himself from kryptonite radiation is fly near the sun for a bit.

The other rubbish thing about Superman is his non-disguise. Some idiots like to mock the people of Metropolis for not realising that Clark Kent is Superman. After all, his disguise consists solely of a pair of glasses and some hair gel. Superman has seen Batman's disguise, you know. He's seen it and he still decided to just go with the glasses. They are a lot easier to take on and off. Also Superman wears his costume under his clothes which is a bit risky if he ever goes to the gym or spills coffee down his shirt. Anyway - the reason those idiots do not understand is that Superman does not NEED a disguise! No one expects him to have a secret identity! Why would you expect that? You would expect it off batman precisely because he -does- wear a mask. But because superman doesn't, people just think he is Superman all the time, with no alter-ego. If Batman tried that people would just say 'look there is millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. Why is he hanging around with Robin?'

Now you see why Superman's "disguise" is so clever.

In fact, the only people that actually know or care about the island scheme are superman and Lois Lane. And that is only because they happen to be around at the time. And this is the main problem wit the film. Despite Lex Luthor repeatedly telling us 'billions of people will die!' there is never any sense of real danger. All he does is make an island in the middle of the ocean - made of kryptonite which is harmless to all humans. Oh well, at least by making it out of kryptonite Lex has stopped Superman from simply picking it up and throwing it into the sun. Sorry - what's that?? For some unknown reason the kryptonite doesn't affect Superman when he's underneath it? Unlucky Luthor! You forgot about that didn't you? In your face.

(Watch out for the especially pointless part of this film here when Superman flies to the island, rescues Lois, then she flies back to the mainland, suddenly changes her mind, flies back to the island again, picks up superman, flies back to the mainland with him, and then -he- changes -his- mind, re-charges in the Sun, and flies back to the island. AGAIN.)

Actually, the kryptonite must have hurt Superman a little bit because he has to go to hospital afterwards to recover - but hang on didn't he just have to fly near the sun earlier to get better? Never mind, it must be because of all the special anti-kryptonite poisoning medicine they have at all earth hospitals. It is standard. So Superman lays in a hospital bed for a bit and then he is okay again, just enough time to annoy Lois, taunting his presence in her face before flying off, leaving her confused and heart broken. Superman Returns is supposed to be about old lovers returning and stirring up old feelings. But this theme is left completely unresolved. Lois is still in love with Superman but she also quite likes her husband, so everyone is left a bit miserable at the end. Thank God that evil island was sorted out with though. I was worried about that.

Mark Out of Seven: 3

GET IT ON DVD? yes then re-read this review – it will make more sense.

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