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Reviewer: Danger Kid

Category: Movie

Subject: Somersault

Is somersault a scary film? well, only if you are scared of australian "art-house" cinema. and if you are scared of that you are a weirdo. i fell asleep during the first two thirds of this movie so i really am not qualified to say whether it is good or not. why don't you go and see it for yourself if you're so interested? maybe you have a "UGC Film pass" or some such rubbish.

Before this film i bought a chocolate bar called a Violet Crumble - it wasn't violet, didn't taste like violets and to be honest it didn't really crumble either. It cost me £1.80. when i baulked at the ridiculous price, the chocolate bar selling man told me "It's imported". yes it was some kind of australian confectionry brought over specially for the Australian Film Festival at The Barbican in London. big wows. i just
paid £1.80 for a Crunchie. yes it was like a crunchie bar but worse. i don't even like crunchies. but it
was too late for a refund - those damned australians had double-crossed me yet again! now they had my £1.80 and i had nothing but a sub-standard crunchie. and in australia £1.80 can buy you a house.

When i watched the film White Noise my friend Screwball Wankball had the good fortune to purchase a bag of Minstrels containing a minstrel that was made entirely of the hard minstrel "shell"! can you imagine such a delight? once i had a kit-kat that was all chocolate and no wafer. i though i had hit the jackpot but soon it dawned on me that i might as well have bought a Cadbury's Dairy Milk bar.

I also got told off for talking through the start of this film. what the fools who chastised me did not realise, was that what i was saying about how fit scarlett johhanson is was far more interesting than the rubbish film they were straining to watch. idiots.


um, okay this is the film: a girl snogs her mum's boyfriend after stroking his tattoo. she runs away from home and starts sleeping with a gay man. well maybe he is gay, he does kiss a man with a beard. they go to a chinese restaurant. oh and the girl takes her clothes off tit-fans.

what's that? you didn't like my football review? couldn't be bothered to read it? well fuck off then.

Mark Out of Seven (for the Violet Crumble): 2


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