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Reviewer: Danger Kid

Category: Life

Subject: My Day off Sick

I had to wake up early to phone into the office with my excuses. I knew there would not be a problem because I had made sure to cough a lot the day before and, with that chore done, the rest of the day was mine to do with what I pleased.

After watching a forgettable 'Everybody Loves Raymond' I found it hard to motivate myself to leave the house. I really was ill you see. Eventually I decided that I should at least try and achieve something with my day and forced myself out onto Tooting High Street with a pair of jeans that had been mysteriously ripped on the backside.

I took the jeans to my dry cleaner and he told me he could not sew them up, but offered to put a patch over the tear. In my very ill state it took me several moments to think about the implications of this. The dry cleaner was pressuring me for a decision and I hastily agreed to give him 4 pounds fifty pence for the job. I was glad to be out of there to be honest.

I stopped off at Blockbuster Video on the way home and for no rational reason hired "Star Wars II Attack of the Clones" I have already seen this film and didn't enjoy it much the first time. I can only blame my mystery illness for this stupid decision. It must have weakened my brain cells - let's hope the earlier decision in the dry cleaners does not come back to haunt me later.

I watched the film while eating an entire packet of Haribo Fangtastic Sour Mix jellied sweets. These are well known to help cure any disease, but I had almost finished the packet by the end of the trailers and I felt no better.

The only interesting thing about the video was a strange 5 minute recap of all the star wars films before the main feature. In it, C3PO and R2D2 gave a summary of the complete "saga" - annoyingly including episode 2 which I was about to watch in its entirety - completely spoiling all the films for someone who had not seen them. I could not fathom the reason for this. Although apparently George Lucas is some sort of cinematic genius so I must bow down to his enormous brain on this one.

After the film I felt sleepy and went to bed. This proves I must have been ill as I would not normally sleep in the middle of the day. Either that or I was very very bored.

During the sleep I had a dream in which I had reached the final question on Chris Tarrant's "Who Wants To Be Millionaire?" - the exact wording of the question I can't remember - but it involved pigeons and bowling shoes. I believed it was some sort of trick question but smug-faced Tarrant was giving nothing away and I was unsure whether to take the risk. Obviously 968,000 pounds is a lot to drop. Unfortunately no living person will ever know if I won the million because I was awoken from the dream my a mysterious phone call. I felt too sleepy to answer the phone, and a few minutes later they rang again. I was too confused to answer it - why was this person ringing me at quarter to three in the afternoon? I could not think of a reason and was too scared to find out. Like any normal human who has been woken up unnaturally, I was disgruntled and almost blind like a baby kitten.

But I was awake now and lay on my bed thinking hard for one hour.

The result of the thinking was another dubious decision - this time to make a cup of tea and some toast. The lack of jam in my house forced me to put some honey on my toast that I found in a cupboard. It was surprisingly delicious.

I ate the toast in bed and watched an episode of "Scooby Doo - Where are you?" - in this episode a 50 foot ghost and some kind of monster made of stone were terrorising a village. As usual Velma solved the mystery and Fred came up with a plan to catch the monsters. I think the Scooby gang could quite easily operate with only Velma and Fred as the others seem surplus to requirements. In fact, Velma is probably intelligent enough to think of the rubbish plans that Fred thinks of (this week involving some springs and a cardboard box) so she could probably solve all the mysteries on her own. Maybe add Scooby for comedy value. Anyway, the mystery was solved (a simple projector was used to make the ghost look 50ft tall) and I am giving the episode 5 out of 7.

After Scooby Doo I watched Neighbours. I noticed with some interest that Neighbours episodes now have titles. This one was ominously entitled "Unforgiven". Unfortunately it bore no resemblance to the Clint Eastwood western of the same name. Instead, the title seemed to refer to Toadfish refusing to forgive his friend Stewart for kissing his girlfriend at a party. There was no other mention of 'unforgiving' in this episode which made me think the concept of titling the episodes was a rubbish one. Never the less, I'll give it 5 out of 7.

Neighbours was followed by the far superior Home And Away. No title here, but a Neighbour's staff writer would have probably called it "Kidney". A kidney transplant was the highlight of this episode which featured plenty of the beautiful Danni, unfortunately not in her bikini but as her mother was in hospital after donating said kidney this was probably out of respect. 6 out of 7.

It was then time for a pint of carrot juice and some more toast. Then Dan came home.


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